2011 Party Platforms

The Rhinoceros Party of Canada

Preamble:

Our Founding Father, Cornelius the First (may Dionysus bless his leathery remains) created this party in 1963 in order to establish a party. We the people of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada sometimes believe in indecision, disagreement, and ultimately: complete political seriousness. Our Party leader at present, the young and boisterous Harapan (a Sumatran rhino), currently resides in the Cincinnati Zoo. Harapan has expressed his apology, but he will not be present at the 2011 Montana Youth Legislature, therefore, Evan Barrett will be representing Harapan as the Party Leader. Our basic credo is a promise to keep none of our promises.

Issues-

(All general party consensuses are subject to change given how successful the Rhinoceros mating season has been)

I. The Arts and Education- As Rhino Party members, we advocate for education. Any bill that opposes education will be shot down! Building taller schools will attain higher education.

II. Government Spending-The government, if it were managed well, would realize the simple solution: bubble gum. If the national currency were bubble gum, then the government could inflate or deflate at will.

III. Foreign Policy-Montana’s valuable exports will be sold in either the U.S. Canada. Preferably Canada.

IV. Fanny Packs- Bum bags are the best way for us Montanans to look like tourist dolts. Although by wearing fanny packs one’s chances of being shot increase inversely do one’s chances of ever being caught without chapstick, a map of the surrounding area, and a throwaway camera, decrease.

V. Abortion- Baby rhinos shall not be aborted.

VI. Highway Safety- Montana is the state with the most driving deaths every year. Montanans, do we want to be ranked ahead of North Dakota, of Texas, of Florida? In response to this statistical disgrace the Rhino Party aims to institute the British system of driving on the left with an incubation period of five years. For the first year, semi-trucks and large buses would be permitted to drive on the lefthand side. By the third year, all gas-powered motorized vehicles would be adopting the system. On the fifth and last year, bicycles and electric cars will make the change. Pedestrians will be given the option of walking on double-yellow lines.

VII. Secession-If Montana should ever want to secede from the Union in order to join with Canada, Rhino Party members have offered to, “Do all the paperwork ‘n stuff.”

###

The Paris Hilton Party Platform

Leader Sean Downey

The Paris Hilton Party is a Political Party too, but it’s not from the olden days. The Paris Hilton Party sees corruption in the Bi-Partisan Political System, thus it expresses moderate views, Conservative Economic & Social Views with Liberal Civil Rights policies.

1. Keep the Player from Hating on Montana. Anarchist, Communist, and Monarchist ideals must be suppressed, while terrorist and illegal alienist signals must be spotted, prevented, and stopped.

2. Incentivize Nuclear Non-Proliferation. Nuclear Weapons should be destroyed, or at least not promoted in any Montanan Facilities. Thus Montana would be free of any Nuclear Warfare or Threats.

3. Water Boarding is Torture. Torture is not an acceptable practice in Montana. Even intense hours of interrogation should be considered as invalid evidence, this way exonerations and their associated fees can be avoided.

4. Global Warming is totally not Hot. Or Real, thus all supposed evidence of Global Warming should be disregarded in the Montana Legislation. However, there is nothing wrong in creating incentives for environmental efficiency as fossil fuels can be harmful to the environment. The Paris Hilton Party is a proponent of clean energy

5. Since this is the Greatest Depression since The Notebook. We should work hard to protect homeowners with legislation that lowers mortgages for families in need. It may mean less money for the bankers, but less is better than none at all. The Paris Hilton Party also promotes tax incentives for small businesses to stimulate our economy, however increasing taxes and/or spending into the deficit is a vocabulary don’t.

6. You Can Get Married If You’re straight or gay. Marriage is a civil liberty, and thus should not be denied to homosexuals. Recent research has shown that there is a difference of brain chemistry between Gays and Straights, assuring that it is not a person’s choice to be Gay, but an inevitable truth to them. Illegalizing Gay Rights is keeping humans with different feelings from experiencing their full rights, given in the Constitution. Gay Marriage and the rights associated should be legalized.

7. Kill Your Baby if You want to, but don’t but the bill on me. Abortion is, and should be, the choice of the mother and, if present, the father. In a 1973 Supreme Court Decision, Abortion was considered constitutional, thus all Pro-Life legislation is anti-constitutional and promotes dissent in the country. However, Abortion should not be used as birth control and Health Insurance/ObamaCare should not pay for the procedure.

 ###

Montana Nationalist Legion Platform

“Montana First, Montana Always”

Independence

• Government Purpose: Government is designed to protect and serve the people. The United States government has failed in both respects. Therefore, it falls to the individual states to take it upon themselves to provide this government to their people.

• Future of State Government: The Montana Nationalist Legion (MNL) is advocating for the independence of Montana from the United States, and the creation of a new and completely sovereign nation, the Democratic Republic of Montana.

• Foreign Relations: The Democratic Republic of Montana will engage in foreign relations with any country that is non-hostile.

• Military: The MNL strongly believes that all military assets currently based in Montana are the property of the people of Montana. The MNL also believes in mandatory military service for the two years following high school in the state’s military.

Economics

• Natural Resources: Montana has many natural resources. From oil and coal reserves to scenic areas to hunting, the MNL is committed to putting these resources to work for the people of Montana.

• Government Spending: The MNL strongly believes that responsible government spending is essential to the continued growth and development of the state.

• Taxes: The people of Montana work hard to earn their living. The MNL will advocate for a reduction in taxes to ensure that as much of this hard earned money as possible is kept where it needs to be: in the pocket of the citizen.

Social Issues

• Education: The MNL believes that a guaranteed education for every citizen of the state of Montana is essential to the future of the state, and aggressive policies need to be implemented to make 12 year education compulsory.

• Healthcare: It is important that every person in the state of Montana be in an excellent state of health. Health is not simply the absence of disease, but the general quality of life. The MNL will adopt a legislative agenda to ensure that those who cannot afford healthcare are provided with ample coverage until they can.

• Unemployment: Unemployment has always been a problem in Montana. As a primarily service based economy, Montana has had difficulty in matching population growth with job growth. Therefore, the MNL will present a proposal to make Montana a more attractive place for new business, and foreign investment. The MNL will also advocate for more efficient unemployment services provided by the state.

• Death Penalty: The MNL believes that the death penalty is an excellent deterrent for crime, and should be instituted for all serious crimes. However the efficacy for the death penalty is reduced by a long appeals process. In an effort to reduce this process, the MNL believes that death penalty cases should be given priority in appellate courts to non-death penalty cases.

 ###